A few weeks ago I wrote a rather bratty post about me choking. Well guess what it was a BFD i panicked mid scene in a situation where i could have and have gone further. There were many contributing factors that evening and i recovered but not without Master removing my ball gag.
i’ve never had a panic attack while gagged, and never like that. I was crying and screaming; although my brain did not realize anything but cold hard fear. Master sent me the recordings of that night. No wonder he was upset, he had every right to be concerned. I freaked out, i learned many t hings watching the videos. None i’m particularly proud of, ashamed in-fact. I was so stuck on my failure that i forgot to notice an even more important issue at hand “Safety” i could have hurt myself, him or involved outsiders into our world, something that would not be a welcome situation. Edge play is dangerous and not viewed in positive light by law enforcement or people outside the lifestyle. When my Master brought this before my blue eyes, i was speechless. It had never crossed my mind.
Others have written about a sub having a panic attack during play. Here a several good articles i found during my research.
A Doms guide to panic attacks This by far resonated most.
Broken Toys writes about Panic attacks and how to recognize and handle them in great depth.
When a submissive has a panic attack Self-care, how to control the emotion, insight into after-care and repairing after the “Rubber band has been snapped”.
My Master handled the situation with the best practices possible, he withdrew me with slow deliberate steps but he did not release me entirely from the scene. It has taken weeks for me to process the entire situation. Now grant you life got in the way the weekend after and i had zero bandwidth to handle this. My anxiety is not caused by BDSM but i must have hit a trigger combined with other life events at the time, i can go much deeper but failed that night and instead swallowed fear and allowed it to consume me. My panic was not caused by the scene itself or fear of my Master.
I was not able to surrender into my submission that night and find the proper head-space. In my reflections i think i hit a wall, an invisible protection layer inside myself. The last layer before surrendering into consensual slavery. I thought i had already gone there but apparently i still have some mental work to do. Still pondering.
More to come on this soon, Bhleu